642

I need to plant a forest!

It feels like I have spent so much time hovering over that census date tab—641 times, to be exact—and every time, I stop myself.

It is more than just a click on a button; it is a moment filled with all these internal debates, tears, embarrassing vulnerable moments, second-guessing, and this weight of uncertainty about my future. Every time I hesitate; I find myself wondering if it is the right time to complete this, Bachelor.

 Those 641 times are not just about deciding—they feel like they represent the confusion and complexity of what I am going through. They capture the sense of being stuck between two paths, uncertain which one is the right one for me. I know what the easy path with no glory in the destination is.

Then there is my husband, who sees all the Google Scholar bookmarks and the Sharpie highlighter stains on my shirt and is confused by it all. From his perspective, you just to this and this and this – see done! I can tell he’s a little bewildered by the fact that I’m thinking of walking away from something that seems so important and structured, something that, on the surface, looks like it should be worth sticking with. Something that I have wanted for the longest time.

But what he doesn’t understand is that all those bookmarks, all that highlighter ink on my shirt, aren’t just signs of academic effort. They’re also reminders of my internal struggle. Every time I highlight something; I’m trying to make sense of it all. Every time I save a bookmark, I’m searching for meaning. The dictionary and thesauruses are now a favourite internet search tool.

This is hard.  The thought of failure is hard.  The shame of not knowing how and where to start is hard. But here I am still researching Qube, the Company I have been given gifted from Martin Turner. Fall 641 times…But better believe it, I have stood up 642 times, bruised, battered, damaged but I am still up!